


Redamancy

by Pos_eidon



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Feels, Grief/Mourning, Loss of Control, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 01:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10061759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pos_eidon/pseuds/Pos_eidon
Summary: "You can hate me as much as you want, Jae. But you won't hate me as much as I hate myself."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a DAEJAE fic that I had for a few friends :) I wrote it while listening to the song that's below and it's great if you guys listened to that song while reading too! Thank youu

 

Youngjae slumped against the leather couch with an evident frown upon his brows. How long has it been since Daehyun texted that he would be back in 10 minutes? About 2 hours. The man glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall, and it ticked back at him in response.

 

3:21AM.

 

_Shit._

 

Grabbing his coat from the arm-rest of the couch, Youngjae quickly strode to the door, patting his pockets to make sure that he had collected his keys, wallet and phone. He had absolutely no idea where Daehyun was, and he didn't want to bother the rest of his past members at such a late time. His pride would also not let that happen, and so he grabbed open the door, only to pause right then and there. He inhaled sharply at the hopeless sight that was set before him.

 

"... Where have you been," was all that was muttered past his plump lips.

 

Daehyun was leaning against the wall opposite their apartment door, head loosely tipping to one side as if he lacked the energy to hold it up-right. In his right hand was a bottle of Soju, half finished with his button-up shirt all crumpled up. He didn't bother to move his head to respond to Youngjae. Instead his eyes gazed up at him, unfocused and almost lifeless yet full of hate and disgust.

 

_Fuck off._

 

As the taller pushed himself off the wall, he shoved past Youngjae, making him stumble slightly. The door was slammed shut before making way towards the couch and sitting down on it. Daehyun placed the bottle of soju aside on the coffee table that was set up in front of him. He did not dare look at Youngjae.

 

"I asked. Where were you." By now, Youngjae had made his way in front of Daehyun with arms crossed over his chest. He hoped that his partner would understand how worried shitless he was that Daehyun didn't come back home nor did he properly reply to any of his calls or texts. With a sigh, Daehyun glanced to his side, annoyed and frustrated by the fact that Youngjae kept asking.

 

"... What did the doctor's say."

 

And that was it.

 

Something in Daehyun snapped and he stood up from the couch, taking a step closer to Youngjae until their chests bumped against each other's. Youngjae gulped hard as his hand clenched into a fist.

 

"What do you fucking  _think_ , Yoo Youngjae? That my voice is in perfect condition and I can sing again? Fucking  _dumbass._ " His voice was menacing yet torn and husky, breath reeking of alcohol and it made the younger shudder. Of course.  _Of course._  It couldn't have been good news. But Youngjae couldn't just sit around, letting Daehyun make a wreck of himself.

 

"And do you think drinking will help your situation? Jesus fucking  _christ,_  Jung Daehyun. Please.  _Please_ , try to think of your well-being first before making such stupid decisions," Youngjae seethed, but before he could say anything, he winced at the sound of glass shattering. Daehyun had thrown the bottle of unfinished soju against the wall, the liquid staining the white wallpaper with its toxic aroma.

 

_Do you think I /want/ to be like this?_

 

His eyes were blood-shot, pupils blown as another object was thrown from one side of the room to the other, and Youngjae was slowly getting scared. The doctor had said that Daehyun was to not strain his voice. After so many years of activity as B.A.P, things have come down to this. Overwhelmed with frustration, anger and grief of the loss of ability to sing, it was as if throwing objects was the only way Daehyun could let out this deep-rooted anger.

 

_Why did I turn out this way._

 

Daehyun stumbled his way to the shelf by the wall and grabbed one album of theirs. The corner of his lips quirked up into a sneer as if he was disgusted to see the album still on their shelf. Letting out a soundless laugh as he flipped the album around, inspecting it, he pulled out the CD inside, breaking it in half and chucking it against the floor. 

 

_I'm a failure._

 

The man's eyes wandered from Youngjae, standing there with a terrified expression to the shelf again.  _More useless albums._  Before Youngjae could even lunge for Daehyun to stop him, the shelf was already toppled over, albums scattered against their timber floors, strewn about as if they were worthless.

 

_All the hard work was for nothing._

 

Youngjae was crouched over on the floor, trying to gather the albums before Daehyun could wreck them even more than they already were. His eyes stung as he tried to hold himself back from letting any tears fall against the floor.

 

And Daehyun scoffed. He crouched down in front of Youngjae, reaching over to lift the younger's chin until their gazes met.

 

"Leave those."

 

Youngjae's lips went dry as Daehyun's voice was hushed, but he knew that he had killing intent, and was already starting to go crazy from grief.

 

"They have no meaning any more."

 

The expression on Youngjae's face as he stared at Daehyun with tears in his eyes threatening to escape made the older look away. Immediate regret stabbed at his heart for saying that to him, his lover, his life partner, his family, his friend, and his fellow member who had also worked hard to produce these albums. Disappointment filled Youngjae as he let the albums drop from his arms, standing up as he wiped his mouth and muffled it with the back of his hand, trying not to let out loud hiccups and sobs when he was finally unable to hold back anymore.

 

_How could you._

 

_How could you._

 

_How._

 

_How could you._

 

_How /dare/ you._

 

Youngjae let his arm drop, scuttling over towards a picture frame with the two of them in it. He glanced at Daehyun who was staring back at him before throwing it down against the floor, the wooden border cracking as the glass shattered onto the floor. Youngjae's breath grew heavier, bubbling up with sudden pure hatred to the point he could only see red.

 

"I fucking  _hate_ you, Jung Daehyun."

 

 The coat that was momentarily abandoned was picked back up from the floor as Youngjae made way to the door. Daehyun laughed again.

 

"I hate myself too. I hate. Hate. Fucking  _hate_ what I've become. I hate my voice, I hate the fact that I've become such a cripple," Daehyun's voice trembled at the end of the sentence as he let out a shaky breath. He immediately caught his quivering bottom lip with his teeth, making sure he wouldn't let out any loud sobs or hiccups.

 

"You can hate me as much as you want, Jae. But you won't hate me as much as I hate myself," and without so much of a second glance back at Daehyun, Youngjae removed himself from the apartment. 

 

_First love never lasts._

 

It took a while for Daehyun to finally become aware of what he had done. He'd been standing at the spot for a while now, no real thought going in or out of his mind until his eyes caught attention of the picture frame shattered on the floor. The man staggered his way towards it, dropping down on his knees before reaching for the picture with trembling hands. His teeth clenched as he seethed in emotional and physical pain, tears finally slipping down his cheeks and onto the picture that contained him and Youngjae together.

 

 _First love never lasts._  

 

He remembered that he'd always chuckle at the image every time he'd glance at it, loving how awkward Youngjae looked because of public affection.

 

But now the only man he ever loved was gone.

 

_First love never lasts._

 

Daehyun hunched over the image on the floor as reality struck him.

 

Youngjae really left.

 

Daehyun was alone now.

 

He was really nothing now. He was really meaningless to  Youngjae or himself.

 

_First love never lasts._

 

And there was nothing he thought he could do to be lucky enough to be with Youngjae again.

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I'm Sorry._

 

_I love you._

 

_I'm Sorry._


End file.
